An excerpt from "Healing from Covid Anxiety for Queers and Leftists and Other People Like That"
I'm writing a thing- here's part.
I’ve been working on a project that was supposed to be a zine, but it’s entirely too long to be called that at this point. Turns out, I have a lot to say. I’ve been really nervous about sharing it for fear of the consequences, but I want to start doing so for a few reasons. 1) If you’ve written and distributed a small book or an e-book, please get in touch as I’d love to hear from your experience. 2) I am not seeing the situation I am referring to improve much. I have struggled with my health anxiety and I like to think that as far as covid anxiety goes, I am mostly on the other side. This did not happen easily. For a long time, I did not have much insight into what was maintaining my problem. If anyone out there that’s reading this struggles with covid anxiety, I want to create an opening for you to name that for yourself if you haven’t already. I would love to hear a bit more about it from you as I continue writing. Hit me up. 3) I need to microdose any possible criticism I’m concerned about. Please know that this isn’t a “macro” work. I’m not speaking to everyone about a Phenomenon. This will be for the relatively small amount of individuals who have this problem. Remember- I’m a therapist. Yes, therapy is obviously political, but that doesn’t mean all politically imbued issues should only address a large audience.
Today I’m sharing an introductory excerpt, situating readers to the concept of covid anxiety (and expressing why this is project is directed specifically at queers and leftists) and sharing my point of view. Thanks for being here.
Some of us have a covid anxiety problem. It’s time we address it with all the love and integrity we can gather.
Who am I:
I’m a therapist, social worker, and serious health anxiety haver. I made this because I needed it 5 years ago, and I also needed it 2 years ago. It’s been a long journey made longer by individual and cultural variables that made it hard for me to benefit from treatment. I knew my health anxiety was out of control by the time that year mark rolled around, but i couldn’t trust therapists who had assumed went to football games or extended family Christmas in 2020. Those who I could tell through their actions or words or my own assumptions that they didn’t take covid seriously, at least not anymore. There already weren’t many therapists I felt I could relate to, and that made it harder. I don’t need to beat around the bush. If you’re reading this, you know what a normie is.
Much of my twenties was spent on the left - mostly in mutual aid work and anarchist affinity groups inside and outside of a socialist organization. My social world was largely queer, both through that gorgeous coincidence of long-time friends coming out one-after-another and through finding other queer community. My belief system included normal anarcho-cynicism and a healthy distrust for social structures. I always had a bit of prepper in me, and for good reason. By March 2020, I was organizing in an area with a robust right. I had reasons to be nervous about my address being public. At that point, I didn’t have any health anxiety that I was aware of, though I had struggled with my mental health in other ways through the years to an extent that was nowhere near as extreme as I was about to. I was a social worker who had recently burned out and was about to take a break doing a boring short-term gig. Up until a week before the pandemic really started, I was joking with comrades that we were “definitely going to get the coronavirus” because of the nature of our mutual aid work. I remember I had openly stocked up on some necessities, maybe a tote bag full, and secretly had a few more things stowed away just in case. I wouldn’t have guessed that I was about to freak out. Picture the worst health anxiety you’ve ever seen. That’s probably near accurate, but I only remember about half of 2020, so I can’t tell you. My roommates at the time could, but please don’t bring it up with them. I’ll be rebuilding trust with them for the rest of my life.
But this is really about living in the world post-vaccine. While I regret a lot of my early-pandemic behavior, I maintain that it makes perfect sense to lose your gourd in an ongoing global crisis with no respite. But that is no longer the world we're living in. What was that last sentence like for you? If it was tough, I want you to know that I know that feeling. Please try to stay with me. I am a person who cares deeply about disabled people, poor people, people of color, and people otherwise living in the margins. I am also a person who no longer engages in covid caution. If you’re angry, I get it. You just want your community to be healthy. Consider that that is my goal, too. Thank you so very much for reading.
Who this is not for:
People who do not experience distress or loss of quality of life due to self-inflicted precautions regarding covid safety. Go about your business, please! I’m not talking about you.
People living with a specific condition that truly makes you high risk for really bad outcomes. No, your mental illness related to your health anxiety doesn’t count as that. I’ll tell you why later.
Who this is for:
People who totally spin out when they wake up with a tickle in their throat/hear someone near them on the train coughing/find out they’ve had an exposure
People who see health anxiety show up in different ways, too: checking your temperature or lymph nodes frequently, worrying about developing cancer, frequently seeking out health information online, avoiding the doctor OR going to the doctor much more than others do
People who continue to end up in conflict with people they love over covid precautions
People whose precautions keep them from being with and building community.
Anyone who is messed up by covid stuff, regardless of diagnosis. You might not be diagnosed with anything at all. I’m going to use the term “health anxiety” to describe the construct of general distress and life interference due to health concerns, and “covid anxiety” to describe health anxiety that is covid specific. But people with certain mental health conditions may be particularly susceptible to covid anxiety: illness anxiety disorder, somatic symptom disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. Ever been called a hypochondriac? This is for you.
People who value keeping their people safe and are very, very afraid of letting go at the risk of harming people
People who ruminate about preparing for future pandemics, whose minds go into overdrive when they hear of outbreaks of anything anywhere.
I’m gonna stop here.
If you think this applies to you, please do follow along. Please be kind. I’ll talk to you soon.
My best,
Kayla